3:00 AM

Lonely 

Recently I’ve been waking up at 3:00 AM almost every night, with this deep feeling of loneliness in my chest. Even if I’m lying right next to someone. Even if I hold his hand, lie on his chest, look at his face, remind myself that this is someone who has chosen to be next to me, the loneliness doesn’t go away. 

I’ve been thinking about what that means but I also haven’t been thinking about what that means. I don’t think I would like to know what it means honestly. 

I’m okay by myself, I think. 

I can make my own self happy, I think.

But I’m not by myself.

Actually... I haven’t been by myself in a long time.

I’ve always had someone I want to make happy. 

Someone I want to be better for.

Someone who motivates me and adores me and spoils me. 

...among other less positive things 

It began in 4th form and has lasted ever since. 

Honestly I don’t think this will ever change, not that I want it to. 

Honestly maybe I need someone like that. Fourth form was the most genuinely happy year of my life to my memory. 

Actually no.... 

well I don’t know... 

Maybe this loneliness isn’t about other people 

Maybe it’s about me? Maybe I’m not present. 

Is it possible to miss yourself? 

I can’t keep writing about this I’m not in that headspace anymore

Instead I’ll talk aboooouut...

I’ve typed and retyped this next line 13 times. I counted. 

Trying to think about another topic to share my thoughts on. I don’t want to talk about something else 

I just don’t want to talk about what I want to talk about. 

Sigh okay 

Here goes 

I think I liked being a savior and a hero. I loved having someone to heal 

It started with lainy, who was dependable and responsible but also so troubled inside. 

I know I have a special sort of emotional ineptness. I can handle challenging minds. I enjoy it. 

I really helped change her within these 7 years we’ve been together. I’m proud of what she is now.  But I can’t help her anymore. She no longer depends on me like she used to.

But that’s because I didn’t want her to anymore

I always said I couldn’t understand how I attracted such mentally troubled people... like Abi for example though eventually I dropped her for the same reason I dropped everyone else. 

I remember I was so caught up dealing with someone else’s twisted mind I really couldn’t afford to explore another person’s for a while. 

After that I had gotten very tired and frustrated with the large... strain of someone so... mentally heavy. 

I made a complete 180. I wanted no one to depend on me. I wanted to depend on someone for a change.  I wanted time to heal myself because I definitely bit off more than I could chew

And I got everything I wanted. 

I released myself of my mental strain and no one needed me for a while...

Even now no one needs me... they may love me but they don’t need to be saved by me

They don’t need a confidant to help figure out their mind

And lol

I miss it.  I miss the deep conversation and questions about things you probably shouldn’t be sitting alone thinking about but still do. 

It doesn’t matter now tho.  That person also doesn’t need to open up to me any longer.  I understand that that one addictive part... those late and dark conversations... were what i didn’t want to lose.  It fascinated me so much 

But in the end it wasn’t worth everything else that was going on.

It stopped and I felt lighter, more at peace 

It was amazing. I was so relieved 

And I surrounded myself with more of that.  Now the only troubled thoughts I have to deal with are my own. 

Which is great for me mentally 

But also boring

And I guess, maybe I’m not lonely but actually a deep part of my psych... a part I no longer get to exercise... it’s just bored 

I think I once identified this part of me and named it Amanda on a whim

I’ve spoken about Amanda a few times. Mostly in 2016 aka the longest year of my life. 

Or was last year the longest year of my life... I forget. 

Amanda is in a cage raking a cup against the bars hoping something exciting happens. 

But the me who is in charge and actually a sensible person knows that Amanda is unpredictable and the lengths she goes to in order to not feel bored stretch past the horizon. 

She sits and invents scenario after scenario of interesting, troubling, or exciting things

A lot of them play out in the dreams I don’t remember or don’t want to talk about 

Some of them, after much vetting from me and pleading from her, eventually come out in random questions and what ifs. 

All meant to understand the human mind and behavior. 

The boredom has only recently resurfaced... maybe a month or so... so this is probably a phase brought on by the lack of daily distractions.  

Once I’m back at school I think I’ll be fine. 

But until then I’ll listen to music at 3 AM