Journey To Happiness
I know this is going to sound cliche and maybe a bit stupid but I think I realized what true love is today.
I know with every muscle of my heart that I am in love with that man. And I know it now because I let him go and I know that I don't deserve him anymore. I thought that I'd know that we were meant to be together because I'd want him back so much but there's no meant to be together.
There's love and there's loss.
I want him to be with someone who is better than me. Who has no doubts and doesn't get tired of long waits. Someone who will tell him they love him every day. I want them to stay up all night and talk and laugh and look at the stars and be warm together. I want him to be happy every day he sees her and I want him to thank God that she exists.
Not wanting to give up on someone is a twisted form of love that is stemmed from only selfishness. That's the kind of love that I had learned. And I'm so happy that I met him and that I loved him and that he loved me. Because he allowed me to teach myself how to be healthy and how to love both myself and another person.
I know that next time I do this, there will be 100% of myself in it. And it will be magical and bright and everlasting.
I'd be lying if I say don't want a second chance.
But I know I'll be fine. I know he'll be fine. Even if we aren't fine together. I'll support his decisions to be happy however he chooses, regardless of if it's with a person that I despise or if it's with no one at all. I know that even if we were to get back together now it wouldn't be a choice made out of love, but out of fear. Fear of loss.
Loss is part of life.
I know I'm not ready for him. I'm not the best me that I can be. He deserves the best me that I can be. Maybe my mistake was not growing with him but I don't want to talk about mistakes honestly. I want to talk about choices.
Today I am choosing to be fine and do what I said I was going to do. I'm going to allow this break up to be an end.
I cannot do that if I'm always trying to make him show me that I'm special. I can't keep pining to monopolize his attention. It's going to fucking hurt but I have survived hurt before and it has made me stronger. This will do the same.
Dear Future Mrs Francois, you have been blessed with the greatest person I have ever had the pleasure to know. Some days things will be tough and maybe there will even be fights but I hope you will never stop noticing his shine and his potential.
Gosh this is soo gross and mushy.
But I like it.
I feel so in touch with myself. I feel like I've accepted a piece of me I've been afraid to hold.
I know that tomorrow is going to be better than today. I know that I'm going to be better than I was today.
I know that I'm going to be a better girlfriend for it in the future but for now what I care about is just being a better me.
I don't think I will ever be able to express how grateful I am to him for helping me to grow this much. For now I'll just keep paying for apple music haha.
I pray that the one for me is someone who can treasure me and build me like you.
God, please.... this is the loneliest point in my life and I know that I am going to need you to walk with me so that I do not stumble. Help me to keep facing forward. Help me to keep away from distractions and poisons in my life. Help me to endure this pain for as long as it may last.
My mother told me that she was sorry that I was sad but happy that I knew how to treasure someone. She said that this ability won't go away and I'll be able to do it again some day.
Honestly it's the most real I've ever been with her. I believe her and she believes in me.
anyway, after the last blog post he probably really did stop reading these so I think this is fine to post. I also don't know if I'll be able to write again this week so this has to be the one that drops.
It's a beautiful day outside and I gotta walk to the library so I think I'll go do that and clear my mind.
fin.
I know with every muscle of my heart that I am in love with that man. And I know it now because I let him go and I know that I don't deserve him anymore. I thought that I'd know that we were meant to be together because I'd want him back so much but there's no meant to be together.
There's love and there's loss.
I want him to be with someone who is better than me. Who has no doubts and doesn't get tired of long waits. Someone who will tell him they love him every day. I want them to stay up all night and talk and laugh and look at the stars and be warm together. I want him to be happy every day he sees her and I want him to thank God that she exists.
Not wanting to give up on someone is a twisted form of love that is stemmed from only selfishness. That's the kind of love that I had learned. And I'm so happy that I met him and that I loved him and that he loved me. Because he allowed me to teach myself how to be healthy and how to love both myself and another person.
I know that next time I do this, there will be 100% of myself in it. And it will be magical and bright and everlasting.
I'd be lying if I say don't want a second chance.
But I know I'll be fine. I know he'll be fine. Even if we aren't fine together. I'll support his decisions to be happy however he chooses, regardless of if it's with a person that I despise or if it's with no one at all. I know that even if we were to get back together now it wouldn't be a choice made out of love, but out of fear. Fear of loss.
Loss is part of life.
I know I'm not ready for him. I'm not the best me that I can be. He deserves the best me that I can be. Maybe my mistake was not growing with him but I don't want to talk about mistakes honestly. I want to talk about choices.
Today I am choosing to be fine and do what I said I was going to do. I'm going to allow this break up to be an end.
I cannot do that if I'm always trying to make him show me that I'm special. I can't keep pining to monopolize his attention. It's going to fucking hurt but I have survived hurt before and it has made me stronger. This will do the same.
Dear Future Mrs Francois, you have been blessed with the greatest person I have ever had the pleasure to know. Some days things will be tough and maybe there will even be fights but I hope you will never stop noticing his shine and his potential.
Gosh this is soo gross and mushy.
But I like it.
I feel so in touch with myself. I feel like I've accepted a piece of me I've been afraid to hold.
I know that tomorrow is going to be better than today. I know that I'm going to be better than I was today.
I know that I'm going to be a better girlfriend for it in the future but for now what I care about is just being a better me.
I don't think I will ever be able to express how grateful I am to him for helping me to grow this much. For now I'll just keep paying for apple music haha.
I pray that the one for me is someone who can treasure me and build me like you.
God, please.... this is the loneliest point in my life and I know that I am going to need you to walk with me so that I do not stumble. Help me to keep facing forward. Help me to keep away from distractions and poisons in my life. Help me to endure this pain for as long as it may last.
My mother told me that she was sorry that I was sad but happy that I knew how to treasure someone. She said that this ability won't go away and I'll be able to do it again some day.
Honestly it's the most real I've ever been with her. I believe her and she believes in me.
anyway, after the last blog post he probably really did stop reading these so I think this is fine to post. I also don't know if I'll be able to write again this week so this has to be the one that drops.
It's a beautiful day outside and I gotta walk to the library so I think I'll go do that and clear my mind.
fin.
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