I forgot my sunhat

Hello

I haven't posted because I've been working on a short story.
And by working on it I mean imagining how great it will be in my head without actually having the courage to put anything on paper because I truly believe that I will mess it up.

So why am I here now?
There are FOUR options
1. I am procrastinating on something very important I have to do
2. I am sad/ having an anxiety attack
3. I have some big news to share
4. ALL OF THE ABOVE.

haha

It's not 4.

it's not three either....

I dunno man... 

I'm here because..

haha..

my best friend just randomly sent me a joke

Gosh I love her so much.

I really needed that. 

Anyway yeah...

I'm here for the usual stuff....

I'm nervous about something that's gonna happen or might not happen

I'm in love and I'm sad and I'm happy.

I'm...bored.

And also I kinda felt like challenging myself.  

For now I'm just going to keep talking until I gain enough momentum to start this short story

So uhm, 

how are you? 

Good? 

I'll never know. 

Do you think your significant other can have a best friend of the opposite sex? 

Up until maybe like three months ago I'd say yeah of COURSE. 

Girls need guy friends to help them remember that they shouldn't always hold themselves to high standards and sometimes they can just be goofy or gross or laidback or imperfect. 

Guys need girl friends to help them BUCK TF UP! because they're too goofy and gross and laidback and what not. 

Sorry

what I mean is

they need girl friends to help encourage them to do better and to remind them not to settle. 

Uh

BUT

I just... Can't be fully on board with that stuff anymore guys. 

I really can't. 

Now listen, OFFICIALLY I still am. 

I will never advise a friend to deny their spouse the freedom to have such friends

I will never pressure my partner to spend less time with such friends 

But I need some help

I mean...

What do you do with all the jealousy? Where do you put it? 

You can't put it on your girl/boyfriend.

You have to just.... let it be. 

I think I prefer the times when I just really didn't think about it. 

I definitely don't think I need to think about it.

I 100% have faith and trust where it should be. 

I am not worried at all that my trust is being ...ah i blanked and don't know what word should go here but you get the idea. 

it's kinda late.

late for me anyway.

i'm usually asleep by 10.

I go for runs at 6 AM

I'm not bragging or anything...

*cough* 

Right so, It's all good for sure but ever since that time...

It's like I just...

I underestimated how EASY it is for some people to.... I really don't know how to finish what i'm trying to say here but I think my point is...

I am afraid that someone else will be more dazzling and make me seem old and ready to be tossed. 

Someone will have better conversations or a more interesting life or whatever else tempts us away from what we need. 

So I guess the survivor in me  would prefer that no one gets the chance to showcase how great they can be.

There's definitely people who do want to and will want to make themselves desirable, however, that really has nothing to do with me now does it? 

I know that I'm probably sounding crazy right now but everyone has crazy thoughts. That doesn't mean they act on them.  Ultimately I am just going to have to get a grip on my emotions and do things to distract myself (positively) whenever this paranoia comes about. 

Because I know that nothing is actually worth worrying about. 

Disclaimer: I don't feel like this all the time. Generally whatever I write about is just what I'm currently experiencing in real time. And I am about to enter a week of hormone stuff, you know how we girls do.

AND I literally just left everyone I loved and flew 2k miles away. 

I am lonely. 

Lonely people have crazy thoughts. 

Part of me is a little happy though... I haven't felt these...(for lack of a better vocabulary on my part) Obsessive feelings since before I allowed my whole life to be ruined by someone I trusted. 

I'm happy because I know that I'm paranoid because I'm scared

And I know that I'm scared because I finally did the thing.

I'm finally just 

Ah.

I just knocked something off my bed and it's dark and I'm not sure what it was but I only had important things on my bed so that's probably not a good thing that just happened. 

Well it wasn't my phone so whatever.

Sorry these pauses must be annoying 

Actually i'm NOT sorry because I am choosing to do this. 

Just like how I am choosing to literally put my heart into another person's care like 

FOR REAL.

You can't see this but I am currently staring at the ceiling wondering if this is safe or not. 

like... I do NOT wanna experience 2015-2016 again. 

NONE OF IT. 

I took a week off work just to CRY last time. 

It was horrible.

I am terrified.

and thus, I am suspicious of everybody. 

I'm constantly keeping my eyes open for red flags so I can just run away as fast as possible.

but on the sunny side

Everything he does makes me so happy and I'm thinking it's worth the risk so that is that

My bank just sent me an email to remind me that I'm broke and as a result of this they will now charge me five dollars every month until I am less broke. 

DO YOU HEAR THE EVILNESS IN THAT? 

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE DISAPPOINTMENT THAT IS NATIONAL BANK OF DOMINICA? 

ugh if I start now I will never stop so I should end this. 

oh but I want to end it on a better note.

Oh, I know.

Lainy and I were talking today about how cool it would be if, while on our periods, women got super powers. 

I was thinking more things like teleportation or super strength

But she had this idea of passive super powers like just being extremely lucky while on your period.

Or everything you eat tasting like your favorite food.

I think those would be much better gifts honestly

Much less chaotic for sure.

She's so smart. 

Did I say that I love her? 

We haven't seen each other since...Christmas break 2017 I believe

That's sooo long sigh.

The way I'm talking right now you'd probably swear I know she's going to read this but no... I just really feel like I love her so much right now.

okay..

this has been all over the place and I never even spoke about my missing sunhat so I'm just going to stop drop and roll out. 

Bai.