Watermelaina

"The only way to be safe is to be the danger"  So I do this thing where I look for things on social media that can only ever affect me negatively or not affect me at all.  Why? Masochism. Obviously.  What else could it possibly be?  You might be thinking "Oh Laina I do that too and i'm not a masochist"  Yes you are. You fucking are. Hush up.  I sometimes ponder just deleting all my social media and ghosting everyone I've ever known and loved.  Some body out here feels free to do things that they know will hurt me and free to  put it out there for me to find.  I do not feel this same freedom.  Somebody out there... I don't know how they feel to be very honest.  and that's the problem.  I want to know so many things be it good or bad. I just want to know.  If the bug is in my soup I want to know it's there and get a new bowl of soup even tho eating it unknowingly would not have affected my ...

The world in general is huge but mine is comfortably small. That’s how I like it and that’s how I wanted it.  But now that a piece of my world has removed itself I feel crippled. I feel like I woke up with only one arm and i’m terrified and unbalanced. It’s not the end of the world and theoretically in this case my arm might grow back but until then…. I can’t clap when I’m impressed I can’t hug someone I love I dream about my arm I dream about the simplest things that I miss Like buttoning a shirt or doing a ponytail in my hair I’m consumed with thoughts of finding my arm or finding a new arm when I know I should be broadening my world so it doesn’t feel like my arm is what’s missing anymore. HOW though. To me this is impossible. Love is a selfish thing. I don’t want you to go but I don’t nourish you when you stay. I don’t want to be like this but I don’t know how to change. I don’t want to be hated by you but what’s worse is I don’t want to be nothi...